It hurts and that's ok

This is really fresh so I'm not sure how it will come out or if I'll even post this.

You know that fear that we all have (or several fears) that we think are totally unreasonable for you to be fearful of because it will probably never happen to you? Then, one dreadful day that fear becomes a reality. A very unwelcome, unwanted reality making itself at home in your life.

For me, that fear is infertility. Even with all the relationship bumps I've had in my life, I KNEW that one day, when God blessed me with the man of my dreams, He was calling me to be a mom. I was never one to want to wait after marriage to have kids. It takes at least 9 months for the baby to cook so that's long enough for just the two of us, right? Zach and I talked about it and agreed on the matter because we wanted a good size family and we aren't getting any younger. No, I don't think we are old but we aren't 21 either.

First came love, then came marriage, where is the baby in the baby carriage? At our age statistics state that it should take 6 months or less to achieve pregnancy. Well, 10 months in we decided to go to the Dr. I was given a very high likelihood of having PCOS and that is causing my body not to work properly. I'll spare you the female details. Then came the dreaded word that was used one (or ten) too many times during our appointment, infertility. Crashing down goes the dreams. We talked about a lot of stuff and my mind almost exploded. It basically comes down to this, due to the likelihood of PCOS (hard to diagnose so knowing for sure might not happen for a while or ever), there could be a long road ahead that might end in invetro (which we probably wouldn't do). Or there could be a short road that achieves pregnancy quickly. There is no way to know how long or short it will take until we start somewhere. We aren't looking for advice on how to "solve" our infertility problems because we have a great doctor and a plan. We have a starting point. A starting point that frankly gives me hope and scares me all at the same time.

The thing is, I KNOW we serve a big God and He truly does have it all in control. I am not questioning that. But, God created us to be emotional beings. To feel the highs and the lows, the happies and the sads, the goods and the bads. Right now, I feel like crap. These feelings are not new to me because on the crap scale, I've been dealt a lot. I know where to turn when crap is the only word I can use to describe my shattered dreams. My heavenly father is meeting me in the muck and walking me through step by step all while holding me in his arms. He is ok with my pain. He wants me to feel it. So, for now, I will feel it. The pain of letting go of my dreams. My dreams of achieving pregnancy easily like most other woman. The dream of having kids back to back with ease. The dream of being a mommy right out of the gate and starting our happy little family when we wanted to. It hurts. and that's ok.    

My God is....

My God is a comforter, a healer, a friend. He is a giver of justice and peace. My God is a promise keeper and a protector. My God saves. My God parted the red sea. He brings us through the impossible. My God gives LIFE. My God LOVES. My God REDEEMS. My God is a warrior. He fights on my behalf. My God is a giver. He is the sacrificial lamb. He died for YOU and for ME! My God IS LOVE! He knows my every thought, my every dream, desire and plan. He keeps His promises. To these truths I will cling.

Desert Song
By Hillsong United

[Verse 1:]

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

[Verse 2:]
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 3:]
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Bridge 4x:]
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

[Chorus 2x:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 4:]
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow