It hurts and that's ok

This is really fresh so I'm not sure how it will come out or if I'll even post this.

You know that fear that we all have (or several fears) that we think are totally unreasonable for you to be fearful of because it will probably never happen to you? Then, one dreadful day that fear becomes a reality. A very unwelcome, unwanted reality making itself at home in your life.

For me, that fear is infertility. Even with all the relationship bumps I've had in my life, I KNEW that one day, when God blessed me with the man of my dreams, He was calling me to be a mom. I was never one to want to wait after marriage to have kids. It takes at least 9 months for the baby to cook so that's long enough for just the two of us, right? Zach and I talked about it and agreed on the matter because we wanted a good size family and we aren't getting any younger. No, I don't think we are old but we aren't 21 either.

First came love, then came marriage, where is the baby in the baby carriage? At our age statistics state that it should take 6 months or less to achieve pregnancy. Well, 10 months in we decided to go to the Dr. I was given a very high likelihood of having PCOS and that is causing my body not to work properly. I'll spare you the female details. Then came the dreaded word that was used one (or ten) too many times during our appointment, infertility. Crashing down goes the dreams. We talked about a lot of stuff and my mind almost exploded. It basically comes down to this, due to the likelihood of PCOS (hard to diagnose so knowing for sure might not happen for a while or ever), there could be a long road ahead that might end in invetro (which we probably wouldn't do). Or there could be a short road that achieves pregnancy quickly. There is no way to know how long or short it will take until we start somewhere. We aren't looking for advice on how to "solve" our infertility problems because we have a great doctor and a plan. We have a starting point. A starting point that frankly gives me hope and scares me all at the same time.

The thing is, I KNOW we serve a big God and He truly does have it all in control. I am not questioning that. But, God created us to be emotional beings. To feel the highs and the lows, the happies and the sads, the goods and the bads. Right now, I feel like crap. These feelings are not new to me because on the crap scale, I've been dealt a lot. I know where to turn when crap is the only word I can use to describe my shattered dreams. My heavenly father is meeting me in the muck and walking me through step by step all while holding me in his arms. He is ok with my pain. He wants me to feel it. So, for now, I will feel it. The pain of letting go of my dreams. My dreams of achieving pregnancy easily like most other woman. The dream of having kids back to back with ease. The dream of being a mommy right out of the gate and starting our happy little family when we wanted to. It hurts. and that's ok.    

My God is....

My God is a comforter, a healer, a friend. He is a giver of justice and peace. My God is a promise keeper and a protector. My God saves. My God parted the red sea. He brings us through the impossible. My God gives LIFE. My God LOVES. My God REDEEMS. My God is a warrior. He fights on my behalf. My God is a giver. He is the sacrificial lamb. He died for YOU and for ME! My God IS LOVE! He knows my every thought, my every dream, desire and plan. He keeps His promises. To these truths I will cling.

Desert Song
By Hillsong United

[Verse 1:]

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

[Verse 2:]
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 3:]
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Bridge 4x:]
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

[Chorus 2x:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 4:]
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow 

Blatantly Bad Blogger

   I'm really bad at this. Let's just get that out in the open, mmmmk? Now that we all agree, let's begin with an interesting lesson that's been on my heart.

   Over the last few days the weather has been amazing! We're talkin' gloomy fall weather where the temps don't get above high 60's. My favorite! Due to this glorious weather, I have been taking the wee one I hang out with on Fridays and Saturdays for walks. We bundle up and head outside to walk among the gloom. Nothing makes me feel warmer inside than cold weather outside (at least in the fall....winter is whole other story). Don't ask me why. I know it's backwards. Anyways, yesterday while we were walking along, I heard God's still small voice, in the silence of the outdoors, using the wee one as an example. You see, she just turned one and is still very awkward on her feet. While we walk, she has a habit of looking behind her and getting very distracted. This always makes her trip over herself and fall if I'm not holding her hand tightly. God spoke to my heart while I was watching her do this. He told me that I need to stop looking being me and being so distracted. Don't get so tripped up by the past and stop distracting yourself from the present. 

   This is a timely illustration, as last Sunday we learned in church about idols. I come down to the same conclusion every time we learn about idols. I know it sounds funny but "distraction" is my idol. I always find something "better" (horrible, i know) to do than spend time with my maker. Tv, Facebook, Dishes, Laundry, Instagram, Games on my phone...you name it, I do it. I know there is a time and a place for these things but the time and the place is not ALL of the time and in EVERY place to avoid being productive for the kingdom. 

So, there you have it. My goal is to learn how to be present. Man, to be distraction free. Think of all the things that can be accomplished in my most precious and meaningful relationship.........  

Mary, not Martha.

    I know I know, it's been forever. Part of my issue/excuse is that when I quit my job back in dec then I had to give my laptop back because it belonged to the company. Add that in to getting married, moving, having a down right hard transition period of getting used to living in a new place and generally having nothing to say (yes it can happen to even this chatter box) then I just haven't cared about blogging. Now that I have an iPad (happy birthday to me...kind of...more like Verizon gave it to us for free) I will trrrrry to be better about it, but no promises.

   My inspiration today has actually been brewing for a while now....

   Let's start back in oct. (or so) when the decision to quit my job was made. Zach and I decided that with his grueling and odd work schedule and my normal Mon. To Fri. Schedule, we would likely not see each other because he is mostly off in the middle of the week. Since we did not "need" my income we figured it would be best for me to be home and able to spend time with him when he is off instead of having to be wrapped up in phone calls and emails that come along with working from home. Me not have to work? Sweet! ......or so I thought. People who know me all too well were questioning how I would occupy myself which began me in a tail spin of heroic ideas. "I'll volunteer at a soup kitchen or find a way to make a difference in the world!" Let the OKC volunteer position research begin.

   Fast forward to about a week before the wedding when it all hit me like a ton of bricks in the face. "I'm moving. Hold the phone, I didn't sign up for this! I signed up for quitting my job and getting married but moving two hours away from where I currently call home and love?! nonono. I've worked for a year and a half to build this support network. Move to Tornado alley?! no thanks." Needless to say I had a major freak out and had to be convinced that selling Zach's house and making him move two hours away from his well paying job to live in a tiny apartment in Tulsa just so my life wouldn't change was not a good idea. The convincing worked. I was settled with the idea of moving.......in that moment. 

    Fast forward again through "oh so happy wedding and honeymoon" period to the day Zach left for his first rotation of shifts. I.was.a.mess. I think I cried for hours on end and pitied myself for about a week. I let myself have some grieving time before the "heroine" would get to work. A week became a few weeks (throwing Christmas and a few happy visitors in there). I did manage to get transferred from the Tulsa bible study fellowship group to the OKC one in this time period. 

   Finally, it was the end of Jan. This was when I jumped on a plane to Florida to visit one of my bestest (yes it's a word :p) friends. On that plane ride I finished the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. This began a whole new inspiration to be the heroine I just "knew" I was supposed to be. Let more research and ideas commence.

   Fast forward a third time through February where I decided I really needed to get off my butt, so, I applied for a job, did more research, emailed a local organization seeing if they needed help and had several "what am I doing with my life?!" conversations with a few people. Nothing came of any of the "plans" I made for myself. 

  Finally we get to present day. Let's just say that still nothing has happened and I've even applied for another job somewhere in there and heard nothing back. For the last few days the story of Mary and Martha has been rolling through my head. We are studying Matthew in Bible Study Fellowship right now so it comes as no surprise to me that this story is fresh in my mind....but why? For the past 36 hours the words "be Mary, not Martha" have been floating through my mind. I keep hearing it over and over. "God? Is that you?" It dawned on me, there has never been a time in my life when I haven't had school or work consuming my everyday. This time I have is a gift. Martha was too distracted by being prepared and "doing" that she totally missed it. But, Jesus blessed Mary for being the one who truly got it. Jesus was there. He was with them and he wouldn't be there for very long. Mary knew that soaking in every second that she had to sit at his feet was 100000000% worth putting the "doing" aside for. Has God called me to be a light for his kingdom and be reaching the lost? ABSOLUTELY! Are there times that he wants us to enjoy his presence without daily distraction? YES! So, for now, I will put aside my "heroine" attitude and realize that Jesus is calling me. What is he calling me to do? He is calling me to enjoy his presence because I may never have a time like this again.