Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bitter Sweet

This week has been full of so much joy and sorrow all at once. It is so hard to see so many people hurting and others walking away from God and their family. But in the midst of all of this pain and sorrow God has blessed me beyond all measure. He has helped me get one step closer to the things that He placed on my heart and I blogged about in "new year, new perspective." On Feb 10th I have the privilege of an all expenses paid for trip to see my sewah in Orlando Florida! Then three days after I arrive back at home I will be getting the keys to my new apartment that is PERFECT for my every need and desire! Feb 19th is the big move! This is the most exciting new step in my life! I can't wait to move to this place but I am also sad to leave the apartment I am in. It was MY "first" apartment that I lived in all by myself. It was a place of healing and change. It was near my friends, parents and my church. If I was having an "I hate my life" day then I knew my mom and dad were right around the corner. I could walk to their house, sit in their living room and be surrounded by the people that love me and would never walk out on me. My mom could come and take care of me when I was sick in no time at all. It was in the neighborhood that I grew up in so I knew every thing on every corner. Even though I am only moving 8 miles from where I am living now it is still not around the corner anymore. It may seem silly to cry about this but I am truly going to miss the privilege of  being 1 minute from my parents. I know Hercules will miss being with his papa every day. I Never imagined myself being the type that would like living alone but this "first" apartment of my own taught me a lot about myself. I like having a place of peace and solitude when I need it. I could go home and cry, just me and God and not have to wonder if someone was going to walk in on me. It is nice being able to get up at 3am not feeling bad for waking anyone up so early. I needed that time of being close to my family and friends and yet having my own space to heal. My 401 square foot box was just perfect for me and Hercules at the time. The community was beautiful, even though i didn't know a single soul the whole time i lived there. I am looking forward to having storage space, an assigned parking spot (I never realized how much of a privilege this is), a one butt kitchen (I currently have a half butt kitchen, haha, no joke), space to entertain, a central location to a lot of my orange county friends and family, a smaller community where I can actually get to know my neighbors, lots of game/movie nights, a comfortable space where i am motivated to spend more time, A BED (this is also a privilege that I never knew was a privilege until space did not allow for one), closet space that is used for only cloths and not EVERYTHING I own, serving the Lord with everything I have and much much more. 
As for the sorrow and pain that has been occurring lately, let's just say sometimes I think it might feel worse to watch someone go through the single thing that you went through and would NEVER wish upon anyone. Someone near and dear to my heart is causing that pain upon someone else very near and dear to my heart and it makes me sick to my stomach. It sucks that I can say "I know how you feel" and actually mean it. I know EXACTLY what this person is going through and that hurts. It would be awesome if the people that cause this type of pain on others would realize that they are not just hurting the person directly effected by their decisions but also everyone around them! I am shocked that someone of my own flesh and blood could do something like this. Anyways...I should stop there before I say things that I regret later.
It is hard to take all of these emotions in at once. I often find myself crying tears of joy and sorrow at the same time. God is good and that is the truth I can not stop proclaiming. This always has been and always will be truth!

Monday, January 17, 2011

I witnessed a Miracle

Saturday afternoon at 1:16pm I witnessed a Miracle, the birth of my little nephew, Caleb Alexander Stilson. I have never seen anything like that before. IT WAS THE COOLEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!! I don't even have the words to describe it. I cried like a baby when they put him on Jacquelyn's chest and said "here's your baby." I don't even know what to say. I waited a few days to post this to see if i would be able to come up with the words and there are none. Other then this is just one more thing that goes to show me that GOD IS AMAZING and made us so intricate and complex all for the purpose of glorifying Him. This is the beginning of a journey. The journey of a new little human being that will hopefully grow up to Glorify our maker with his life. I love you already Caleb Alexander Stilson!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Injury, Blessings and more blah blah blah

Today I was at work and hit my head on a cash drawer. It hurt. Resulting in this. Meet Fransisco the goose egg.
There is so much to write about but I  don't even know where to start. First of all I guess I should say, God is good..all the time. He has blessed me BEYOND what I have ever deserved and seems to never stop blessing me even though I suck sometimes. Yesterday I went to School's First FCU and transferred my car loan to them. It was the easiest thing I have ever done and I got a VERY low interest rate along with super amazing deals. Like no payments in August or Sept because those are my two lowest paying months, aaand lower payments. Next I will transfer my credit card to them. Praise God for helping me be a better steward of my money! 
Also today I got a picture text from my Sewah with this picture! She is amazing and paid for me to come visit her in 4 weeks so we could be together for Valentine's day!!! What a gift this is!!!!  
 I can't wait for this!
 Hopefully this weekend I will have a nephew! Jacquelyn is in the beginnings of labor stages and we are hoping the baby will come on his own and not have to be induced on Monday....
 I spent two different times with my cousin this week. We are kindred spirits. We secretly think that we were meant to be triplets but then God decided the three of us would be too much to handle together so He separated us to the next best thing, Cousins! We call each other "meant to be wombmates" and it's so true. We just get each other. We can both be talking a million miles and minute and track like it ain't nobody's business.  I Sure do love her! We are planning something special to help resemble our wombmateness and hopefully it will play out on our birthday! YAY! 
Anyways..that is all for now. Hope it wasn't too much ramblings for one post!
Loph you all!

Monday, January 10, 2011

"Little Bit Stronger" Sara Evans

 These are pretty much my thoughts as of late. I am wayyyyy stronger now! Thank you Jesus! Lots to blog about but no energy to do so now. Hopefully it will happen soon.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Relying on JESUS!

I am saddened by the pain people put themselves through when they don't rely on Jesus and Jesus alone. We all fall and run away but when you deliberately go against everything you know is good on a daily basis because it is "easier" then you are just asking for more pain! You aren't just hurting yourself but also EVERYONE around you! I wish people would understand that....

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New year, New life perspective

So as many of you know the last few years have been a challenge for me. A lot has happened and God has really been stretching and growing me in MAAAAANY ways! He has really placed it on my heart that 2011 needs to be epic. He wants me to change my perspective on life completely and focus WHOLLY on Him. I also know that this will be a year of Miracles. I'm calling it and sticking to it so at the end of the year I can say "God, We NAILED IT!" :) Yes, I know I am weird. So here are the ways that I plan on doing these things...
1. Build better community and stop sitting around and being a loner.
   a. Take one person a week to coffee or dinner
   b. Be a better mentor to the jr high girls I work with through sleep overs and hang out sessions
   c. Write one card a week to anyone about anything purely to work on encouraging the body of Christ
   d. Be more focused on building relationships with others for their sake, not mine
   e. Go riding with my cousin once a month (at least. more if possible)
2. Don't spend money on myself aside from necessity and things that help build community/glorify the Kingdom (With exceptions of souvenirs while being on vacation)
3. Go to Florida on Valentines day to deliver a very special gift to the person who quite possibly has the other half of my heart (Sarah Watson)
4. Go to Guatemala
5. Read my bible EVERYDAY for 365 without missing even one!
6. Be more intentional about what I say and what I mean by it as not to talk poorly about others or offend anyone
7. Be more kind to my family because I'll admit, I suck at it!
8. Be a shining light to everyone around me by always having a good attitude and smiling more often
9. Be more intentional about my prayer life and calling on the name of the Lord. He answers those who call!
10. Use the money that I am not spending on myself for more random acts of kindness and helping have compassion on others.

These are some things God has placed on my heart. Trust me, I'll fail. I know I will. But, I am vowing to work on them and trusting Jesus everyday to help me better myself for His kingdom! I hope you all will join me in this endeavor and really think about and focus on the things God is asking you to do in this new year to better HIS kingdom!