Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bitter Sweet

This week has been full of so much joy and sorrow all at once. It is so hard to see so many people hurting and others walking away from God and their family. But in the midst of all of this pain and sorrow God has blessed me beyond all measure. He has helped me get one step closer to the things that He placed on my heart and I blogged about in "new year, new perspective." On Feb 10th I have the privilege of an all expenses paid for trip to see my sewah in Orlando Florida! Then three days after I arrive back at home I will be getting the keys to my new apartment that is PERFECT for my every need and desire! Feb 19th is the big move! This is the most exciting new step in my life! I can't wait to move to this place but I am also sad to leave the apartment I am in. It was MY "first" apartment that I lived in all by myself. It was a place of healing and change. It was near my friends, parents and my church. If I was having an "I hate my life" day then I knew my mom and dad were right around the corner. I could walk to their house, sit in their living room and be surrounded by the people that love me and would never walk out on me. My mom could come and take care of me when I was sick in no time at all. It was in the neighborhood that I grew up in so I knew every thing on every corner. Even though I am only moving 8 miles from where I am living now it is still not around the corner anymore. It may seem silly to cry about this but I am truly going to miss the privilege of  being 1 minute from my parents. I know Hercules will miss being with his papa every day. I Never imagined myself being the type that would like living alone but this "first" apartment of my own taught me a lot about myself. I like having a place of peace and solitude when I need it. I could go home and cry, just me and God and not have to wonder if someone was going to walk in on me. It is nice being able to get up at 3am not feeling bad for waking anyone up so early. I needed that time of being close to my family and friends and yet having my own space to heal. My 401 square foot box was just perfect for me and Hercules at the time. The community was beautiful, even though i didn't know a single soul the whole time i lived there. I am looking forward to having storage space, an assigned parking spot (I never realized how much of a privilege this is), a one butt kitchen (I currently have a half butt kitchen, haha, no joke), space to entertain, a central location to a lot of my orange county friends and family, a smaller community where I can actually get to know my neighbors, lots of game/movie nights, a comfortable space where i am motivated to spend more time, A BED (this is also a privilege that I never knew was a privilege until space did not allow for one), closet space that is used for only cloths and not EVERYTHING I own, serving the Lord with everything I have and much much more. 
As for the sorrow and pain that has been occurring lately, let's just say sometimes I think it might feel worse to watch someone go through the single thing that you went through and would NEVER wish upon anyone. Someone near and dear to my heart is causing that pain upon someone else very near and dear to my heart and it makes me sick to my stomach. It sucks that I can say "I know how you feel" and actually mean it. I know EXACTLY what this person is going through and that hurts. It would be awesome if the people that cause this type of pain on others would realize that they are not just hurting the person directly effected by their decisions but also everyone around them! I am shocked that someone of my own flesh and blood could do something like this. Anyways...I should stop there before I say things that I regret later.
It is hard to take all of these emotions in at once. I often find myself crying tears of joy and sorrow at the same time. God is good and that is the truth I can not stop proclaiming. This always has been and always will be truth!

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